Timespace
Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Timespace" journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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09:54 pm
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Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
An interesting diagnosis which is in our treatment records is C-PTSD. I first read about it in the book "Trauma and Recovery" after a previous therapist talked about it and referred us to this book. Here is more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder
Somewhere along the line I believe I read it was being proposed as a diagnostic category for the DSM-V, but I'm not sure where that stands. It is hard to differentiate diagnoses with people who have trauma-based "psychiatric problems" because they manifest differently depending on the person and share many symptoms (taking a sample of people who have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or even depression, one will see they do not express symptoms in the same ways). Thus, I wonder how really useful these diagnoses actually are - and trauma survivors who have been in therapy usually have received various different diagnoses over the years.
Anyway, here's another past inquiry someone posted to me:
I have chronic post traumatic stress disorder. I
am not diagnosed yet with any dissociative disorder. I have discovered
during hypnosis that after my trauma I and I was abandoned alone
thinking I was going to die ( I was 8 years old) I went to a place in my
head where I played with cartoon characters such as daffy duck etc. They
were all sitting in different compartments, one after another.I am
beginning to remember this and feel this was my way of surviving. I do
not play with cartoon characters any more, nor do I think I have several
distinct personalities but what I do, do is turn into other people. Let
me try and explain. If I am having a flashback or intrusive memory I
become a person I may have seen in the street that day or a news
presenter on tv. This eases the flashback instantly. Have you ever heard
of this before? I do not hear voices.
First of all, hypnosis itself can be quite controversial as to whether memories recovered in a hypnotic state are truly accurate. Second, ANY memories - traumatic or otherwise - are not necessarily accurate or complete because they either have lost detail over time or were never encoded completely in the first place (for whatever reason) and thus we are likely to interpolate details in order to make sense out of fragmented memories. This is not to say traumatic memories are false - but that they usually can't be counted on to be completely accurate, as it would be if one was watching uncut/unedited recorded movie footage.
As to cartoon characters - this makes a lot of sense to me based on the age this person was when the traumatic event occured. Perhaps too, he or she had something of an acting talent or interest and this was a natural way to cope - to be someone else. It also sounds like this person continues to use this type of technique to block flashbacks which would otherwise become debilitating panic attacks. In that respect, it is a dissociation technique.
It doesn't sound like such a technique is problematic, however, some might recommend this person eventually face the traumatic memories and work through them, which will reduce the need to use other coping techniques. This, of course, is a topic of a much longer discussion. Can one ever completely work through a traumatic memory? I think they will always be there, but I have seen that people have successfully reduced their impact so the flashbacks rarely occur or at least don't intrude.
Tags: cptsd, dissociation, panic attack, post traumatic stress, ptsd, traumatic memories
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11:26 pm
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Life and death and in between
I need to say something about this and I'm not sure how to say it. There has been quite a lot of discussion within us about how we use our time, and I have been very serious in stressing about the fragility of the life we live...that it can be gone in an instant. Certainly, you have heard the expressions like, "live each day as if it were your last,".
No one knows the value of life like someone who has been on the edge - as in a near-death experience. Most people who have encountered this say they find a new appreciation for life. But even then, sometimes, as days go by, it is possible to forget that once it's gone, it's gone, and one cannot have a second chance at making the best of one's life.
Those of us who have had trauma in our lives may want to cross that line to relieve the excrutiating pain of carrying the memories of the trauma day in and day out. The question is...is death really an escape? Your religious and/or spiritual beliefs may have thoughts on this......but admit it, it we don't really know. Would we go to heaven or hell....come back to Earth in a different body...slip into nothingness? Or something else?
We just today read "The Agonizing Last Words of Bill Zeller." I will warn you that it can be highly triggering. Proceed at your own risk - this is a very emotional and painful read: http://gizmodo.com/#!5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller
I can't say if Bill's decision was "right". It was his choice. It became his destiny. I would have hoped he could have chosen differently and that he could have experienced something other than pain throughout his lifetime. He was not victimized due to any fault of his own, and he worked hard to overcome the pain...but it was too much. The suicide note became his legacy...he was not a coward for leaving the planet, but brave for leaving this tragically beautiful work that in his hope will help the general population understand the serious and lasting effects of child abuse.
I am observing many people leaving the planet now. I think most are not doing so as a conscious choice. Regardless, I really believe it is critical that while you are here, you figure out what legacy(s) you want to leave and make your progress toward that part of your daily life, because we don't know what's next. While we are here on earth...we are here to better the human race. Most of us don't know when our dying day will be. On your dying day, what do you want to be remembered for?
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11:11 am
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Divided
It's high time for another post here. Woke up this morning and saw the full moon bright & clear and it was so beautiful. I love this time of year, with the trees turning color & dropping leaves everywhere like they're painting the landscape. I think it is so important to take time and just appreciate what we see around us. I call it "spending time with the Earth" - just observing and being part of the planet. I've done a lot of that this year and it is one of the things that keeps me most grounded and connected with my own spirit. If you - the reader - are not spending some quiet time in nature regularly - go out there and do it NOW!
And with that, I'm going to post & respond to another one who wrote me via my web site some time ago:
"I think I might have some mild form of DID or DDNOS. I'm not sure. I am very, very confused.
I am a survivor of child abuse and dissociate alot. I have no control over it. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I have lost very small chunks of time. Maybe a few minutes here and there. Sometimes I'll be told by my husband that i did or said something, but I'll swear up and down that it hasn't happened."
Many who later find a degree of multiplicity, or are diagnosed DID, have told me at some time they have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Same goes for us (the BPD diagnosis was later unsubstantiated). This may be because a particular entity has BPD characteristics, or the symptoms of PTSD & trauma often lead to a personality style that clinicians define as "borderline" (what appears to be "neediness" and intense relationships, dissociating and often self-injury. Unfortunately, the problem with BPD is that it carries a major stigma of "manipulation" and a lot of nurses, therapists & social workers instantly don't want to deal with someone who has a BPD diagnosis as they've already formed this opinon they're going to be "difficult."
As far as losing time and saying/doing things you don't remember......while that can happen to anyone, it certainly is more common with those who are living with multiplicity. One danger with a significant other is that once he/she knows you are losing time, he/she can use that against you, telling you you said & did things you absolutely didn't. This is where trust, honesty and forgiveness are critical.
"I don't have some of the symptoms, like finding objects that I don't remember buying or hearing voices, but i find myself divided on things that I believe or what to do. I mean, I don't really know how to explain this. One part of me will want to go running and another want to go to the gym, and another wants to do art work another wants to be on the computer. Am I just moody and indicisive, or is there something very wrong here?"
It could be both (or either)! (How's that for an answer?) My others are often at odds as to what to do at any given time. Who wins? It depends on who is "strongest" at that given moment, which is usually influenced by mood, which is influenced in turn by internal thoughts & external influences. I often can't keep track of it because we switch parts quickly between 2 or 3.
"I had a therapist tell me about ten years ago that I was borderline and may have multiple personalities. I quit seeing him because he wanted me to take all these different drugs and be hypnotised. I wouldn't have that, so I quit seeing him."
While there are valid reasons to take medications or try hypnosis, some therapists push really hard to try to get their patient to do this, perhaps as it's extra income for them. It has to be the patient's choice, and ultimately it is, but it doesn't feel good to be coerced into doing this when the therapeutic relationship has already been established. A good therapist I think will offer suggestions and alternatives to those suggestions - the patient is the one who has to find his/her own best fit for treatment. There are a LOT of options and also many good reasons NOT to do hypnosis or take certain medications!
"My husband doesn't believe I may have this. He believes that it's demon posession. I won't get any support from him, so I don't talk about this to him."
IF demon posession were a possibility - I would hope your husband do a lot of reading about it and consult with experts on the subject. I would hope that even if it WERE demon posession - that your husband would treat you like the same person he married because you ARE still that person. Support from him and others are critical. My feeling is that he's scared that something is happening to you that he doesn't know how to deal with and is afraid to find out about, so he finds a way to dismiss it.
"Another symptom I have is that sometimes my vocabulary changes and my voice. How do I find out for sure that I have this?"
All of you reading who have a DID diagnosis, please feel free to smile now, as I'm sure you can relate. Do we ever know for sure that we have DID? I don't think we can. Only by looking & listening inward can we have hope to figuring out what is going on. It takes time and trust and patience and it's not always easy.
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11:51 pm
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New Year, and what's ahead?
This is an amazing time. Yesterday, we experienced a Blue Moon on the day before the birth of a new decade. How cool is that? So what's ahead for 2010?
We've learned that life is an adventure and we never know what's ahead. Still, we as humans want a feeling security and seem to want to do everything in our power to create some sense of that for ourselves. 2009 showed many of us that what we thought was secure, was not. Isn't it a scary feeling to not be in control, to not know what to do when a situation presents itself? We try to find something that we can control, and that's often not healthy for us or those around us.
We are seeing the "rules" of the world are changing. I noticed more feelings of unhappiness and a lack of connection in 2009 that seemed more pervasive than ever before. Isn't it ironic as the world becomes ever more populated, and we have more tools for staying in touch, and communicating instantly with those far away, that we can have more and more challenges really connecting with each other? The reality is there is no substitute for spending one-on-one, physical time with someone.
As our attention gets ever more fractured, as we multitask (hey, we multiples are used to that, constantly) we can realize that we're not really connecting anymore. We're not really experiencing, we're just coping. And that is why we've made our (personal) resolution for 2010 to really connect again - to our own personalities, our physical & astral bodies, our actual surroundings, and the spirit that is present in all things. To slow down and smell the roses, figuratively & literally. These connections can be the anchors of security we need.
We need this. Most of us have experienced some serious challenges & trauma in our lives and the reality is, we likely will face serious challenges again. If you are in tune with the overall changes in the world, you probably notice some positive and amazing spiritual shifts. At the same time you are noticing more traumas occurring - more severe and more often than ever before. If we are to be a survivor thru these challenging times, we need to be grounded in ourselves and on our planet.
As multiple/plural individuals, we have the advantage of a family within. Strength in numbers. The challenges is that some of us still need to find a way to get along & collaborate with ourselves to the best possible end. Now is the time to really build connections, inside & out. I predict we will be impressed to see what we can accomplish and the recognition we multiples eventually will get as the planet changes. I think others will look to us for wisdom & insight more than ever before.
Best to all of you in the new year ahead,
love, Amanda
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09:28 pm
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"Losing Time", "Hearing Voices" and scary stuff like that....
Here's another one from the archives:
"I think I might have some mild form of d.i.d or ddnos. I'm not sure. I am very, very confused.
I am a survivor of child abuse and dissociate alot. I have no control over it. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I have lost very small chunks of time. Maybe a few minutes here and there. Sometimes I'll be told by my husband that i did or said something, but i'll swear up and down that it hasn't happened. "
First of all....I think everyone on this planet can relate to a time when they can't account for what they did during a period of time. Like when you "run on autopilot" and are so focused on a thought you don't realize why you just went in a room or how you got to a certain place. Likewise, everyone can probably think of a time when someone says we said or did something, but we can't remember it. These kinds of things can be annoying and disturbing, but when they happen a LOT or for long periods of time, that's when it can get downright scary.
Like has been said before, dissociation is not an "either you do or you don't" thing, but a continuum or scale. What makes it interesting is that after dissociation, you don't know where you "went". If your body is inhabited by different individuals (personalities, alters, etc....for lack of a consistent term), there are most likely going to be times when some"one" else is up front, and while you might be co-conscious with that one, you might also might have "gone" to another time/space and so literally, you are not connected with your earthly body. Yes - this is dissociation.
The problem is, the earthly world only sees the body they are familar with, so they assume you are connected with it. If you are multiple/plural, there are times that you are not "there."
"I don't have some of the symptoms, like finding objects that I don't remember buying or hearing voices..."
Not everybody who is multiple/plural will have this happen. And bear in mind that for a multiple, "hearing voices" generally is hearing the other entities within, rather than the brain sending out erroneous signals/memories that are interpreted as voices being heard by the ears (as can happen in psychotic disorders).
"....but i find myself divided on things that I believe or what to do. I mean, I don't really know how to explain this. One part of me will want to go running and another want to go to the gym, and another wants to do art work another wants to be on the computer. Am I just moody and indicisive, or is there something very wrong here?"
Within one entity/personality, sure one can be "indecisive" and can't figure out what to do - so that certainly IS a possibility. But more often (in my experience), it's because we (speaking of multiple parts, here) DO in fact have different agendas. Like any group of individuals, a challenge with multiplicity is taking into account everyone's needs & wishes and making a decision as to what is done at any given moment. That means that "somebody" is not going to "get their way" and compromises must be made. This is the root of the "disorder" - if everyone within can't come to terms with the decisions that are being made, there is unhappiness, frustration and often different parts of self sabatoging others' actions.
"I had a therapist tell me about ten years ago that I was borderline and may have multiple personalities. I quit seeing him because he wanted me to take all these different drugs and be hypnotised. I wouldn't have that, so I quit seeing him. "
I've noticed that some psychiatrists/therapists get excited when they find out someone is an abuse survivor and has dissociative tendencies. You can almost see the dollar signs in their eyes - cha-ching - here's someone who needs years of aggressive therapy, hospitalizations and tons of medications. Hypnosis can produce interesting results - switching of personalities - with multiple/plural individuals. Oh, what fun for the psychiatrist! I think this person made the right choice to quit seeing this doctor!
"My husband doesn't believe I may have this. He believes that it's demon posession. "
I guess that CAN happen, but it's not likely....in fact, I don't think I've heard of this except in the movies.
"I won't get any support from him, so I don't talk about this to him.
OH- another symptom I have is that sometimes my vocabulary changes and my voice. How do I find out for sure that I have this? "
I don't think any of us really know completely what is going on, but what this person experiences seems to be pretty typical in the world of those who are multiple/plural. I was very happy to find the Multiplicity group right here on LiveJournal which has really validated so much of what I have experienced and what I have seen others experience. We know that while we are a subset of the general population of humans on Earth, we do experience a common and not-really-so-strange phenomenon. I am happy to see that there is more & more understanding of our nature - not MPD or DID or DDNOS, per se - but the experience of multiple selves within a single body - every day.
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11:20 pm
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Diagnosis - is it helpful?
From a former email to me: "I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for ten years
and recently it's been speculated that I might have DID."
How often does that happen? From what I've heard and read, quite a lot. Typical first diagnoses could be depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline or other personality disorders...and probably a few other conditions as well.
Why does this happen? I think there are several reasons. First, it takes a while to really get to know someone, including a therapist getting to know a client/patient, and with multiple/plural individuals, the other parts not only don't manifest themselves until they feel comfortable to, but "switching" is characteristically subtle unless you really look for the signs. Second, the MPD/DID diagnosis is something professionals don't typically look for, and the diagnosis isn't really good for insurance reimbursement. In a way, a therapist is doing the client a favor by not providing a DID diagnosis. Third, psychiatric diagnoses are difficult to differentiate in the first place, and the same issue can happen with bipolar or schizophrenic clients.
So why even have psychiatric diagnosis? When I think how many years we (the different parts within me) debated whether the diagnosis we received was accurate (and we had several along the way), and all the money that was spent going to various psychiatrists for diagnostic evaluation & re-evaluation, I came to the conclusion that the most useful thing we got out of it was a starting place - a framework to explore what other people with a similar set of issues or "symptoms" go through.
So yes, it is helpful, I believe, but only to an extent. Any psychiatric diagnosis can just as easily be used against a person: "Oh, she's schizophrenic....she's crazy" or, "he's depressed and should be on medication." The diagnosis at least provides some quick level of understanding the issues a person may be dealing with, so it COULD avoid the "crazy" or "mentally ill" label, but it also gives others an easy way to negatively label a person.
I think that with any mental or physical dysfunction, diagnosis is only a starting place. It gives a person the opportunity to connect with others who have a similar set of symptoms and find out how they are dealing with them. It can save time in a doctor's office and make it easier for insurance to cover treatment. From that point, I think it is helpful to "let go" of the diagnosis label somewhat and realize that all of us have "problems" and the more important thing is to work on your physical health, your thought patterns, and your spiritual outlook to move yourself toward wellness. As multiple/plural individuals, we have the additional challenge of making sure ALL of the aspects of ourselves are nurturing the body and mind. I will talk about this more in the next posting so stay tuned.
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10:52 pm
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2009, and a lot is changing
I think it's only right that I take a little time to catch up, since I haven't posted an entry since November 2009. Much has changed in the United States. We have a new President who seems to have come to the right place at the right time. Most people have been noticing changes lately....ones that in many cases are not too pleasant. Weather has been more extreme, the pace of life has sped up, the economy is suffering, cost of living has gone up while many people have lost their jobs. In desperation, the most unlikely people are resorting to violence as they aren't able to cope.
Others suffer numbness, a response to information overload and too much stimulus, and/or hopelessness and depression that comes as a result of not having any way out of one's financial situation.
Still others are beginning to realize that this is only the first step to a series of changes on this planet. So right now, we are feeling the chaos and not knowing quite how to handle it. We humans like to feel in control of our circumstances. When we lose that control, it is very uncomfortable. When we don't know what tomorrow may bring, it breeds fear, anxiety, sleepless nights. And yet this is the very thing we need to learn - how to shift the locus of control from outside to inside, and learn to be comfortable with things we don't understand, with external events we can't predict, and be the rock that weathers the storm.
Really though, if you think about the possibility of moving into a higher level of consciousness, new technologies, new abilities and possibilities that are beginning to be opened up to us, it can be really exciting. Think how far we've come in such a realitively short period of time in recognizing the possibilities of multiple souls within a single earth body. There are more people living plural and doing it functionally, not suffering, not out of control, not acting out in mental hospitals. There are more counselors, doctors, and the general public who are open-minded enough to "get it." The realization that time and space are not linear is almost as exciting as learning the earth isn't flat.
I think it's good to balance the worries we have about our economy and our future with thankfulness for what we have achieved and how far we've come. Look at the incredible electronics technology we have. All the ways we have to communicate; all our different modes of transportation; the advances in medical care. People look the best they ever have thanks to technology that improves our skin, hair and clothes. And how amazing is it that we can access movies, music, control things in our home, communicate with people across the world, get news and weather instantly - right from our computer?
I don't know, I'm just excited about this time. Yes, it's going to be challenging, and our minds and emotions will be pushed to the limit. But that's how we evolve. It's good for us! Take the time to welcome new possibilities. I think this year's going to be a real trip, and I'm excited.
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09:17 pm
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First of a Series
I'm finally getting around to a plan of mine, which is to post some emails (anonymously of course) that I had received in the past from other dissociative individuals, so that I can discuss them & hopefully also hear other's comments about them. The interesting thing about multiplicity is that every person who identifies his or herself as being plural/multiple experiences it in a different way. One thing that I think needs to be known is that "we" are not all like "Sybil" or there should be no pre-conceived idea of what MPD/DID is for a person. I have to remind myself of that all the time, because it is so easy to imagine others based my own frame of reference rather than truly listen to what they are saying.
"I think I am a DDNOS person. My way of seeing it is that I am a bit like a faceted jewel that the facets have flown away from. They're all there, circling a central nothingness, and I cannot bring them together. I am seeing a therapist. I went to see her because I feel as though all of my selves are gradually shutting down. I feel as though they are going out, one by one, like lights in a building. I don't think they have left the building. I don't know what is happening. "
So here for example, is a concept of plurality that I don't quite understand. Or maybe I can't see it the same way she does. I think what she is saying is that she has aspects/facets of herself that she is aware of that are part of her personality, but the "core" or birth person (perhaps) seems to be non-existent....therefore, as these other facets drop out of the picture for whatever reason, there is no core to hang on to....she doesn't know who she really is. There is a change in the system but the system doesn't know how to handle that change.'
I feel that I am in danger of going out myself. I went to see the therapist because I wanted to find out whether it is possible for the more productive facets of my self to get longer turns at being 'out'. Unless this can happen I do not see a future for any of us.
This seems to be a common problem, and maybe the source of the "disorder" in "dissociative identity disorder"....the productive, useful parts of the self aren't able to maintain presence, and the ones that conduct themselves in a less-than-useful way (often engaging in some kind of addiction) are the parts that are usually "out." This causes the outer life to fall apart - loss of job, health, relationships....
I feel utterly lost on this planet. I can hardly bear to be in my container. I feel that I can hardly function. i want us to have a better life, one that has a continuum of growth and achievement. My selves have always operated randomly - jerking in and out of me like the movements of a baby's limbs. I cannot depend on any of them. They are all so one-dimensional - each good at one particular thing, or at feeling one particular emotion. They never grow.
Here, I wonder if the feeling of being "lost on this planet" is a common one. Maybe because we don't fit into the "norms" of the way we are "supposed to" operate as humans in this culture (one body, one mind=one personality) and/or maybe this has something to do with the other timespaces that we live in. That is, if we (as a singular part) are not in one place & time (Earth, November 11, 2008 at 9:35pm) than we must be in another timespace.
I've talked with others that have "fragments" or personalities that just serve a function. I'm not sure if they are really personalities or if the host person doesn't truly "know" them well enough yet to see that the alter/personality/ whatever (don't you hate the limitations on terminology?) is really multidimentional.
It's as though we all live in Hades, repeated tasks ad infinitum, ghosts with prescribed texts of haunting. I wouldn't mind so much if we were usefully employed. But we're not. We are slowing down to a complete halt. Why is this? What can I do? Do you know of other people who have had this kind of thing happen? Do you know of any people (DDNOS folk) who have been so shattered and lived such a shattering life that they cannot achieve things, find it almost impossible just to do the laundry! Is there anything to be done?
Ghosts, really! Well I guess if I hadn't taken up residence in another body, then *I* would be a ghost, technically. A spirit without a host is....a ghost! And I don't technically exist, in this timespace that I'm writing this, according to Social Security records and I have a different body.
Anyhow. What this person is describing sounds like the breakdown before a change. The family system is no longer functioning as a unit, no matter how disfunctional it may have been. So now it's really becoming dysfunctional but seeing the need to change. Simple tasks become very hard because the parts will no longer assume their old roles...they no longer work. The hard thing about change is that chaos will precede it. A lot of us feel like giving up at this point. And this is precisely the time NOT to give up. It's a time to start some frequent, open communication, to try out some new practices and then keep practicing them so the change sticks. If there is disagreement (which there will be) you have to work with that. It's really the same as organizational change within a business, or status changes within a biological family, except its within onesel(ves). And that's hard because most people don't see the struggle that's going on inside and you can't turn to the "average person" to get support.
I wish that I had someone who could watch over my every waking moment, reminding me of what I have to do, and encouraging me to do each task. I get so forgetful and 'lost' that i really do think that i need a physical person to help me stay on track. Days and weeks and years are going by. I am afraid that I will die without having had a chance to live.
I think it's useful to have a physical person to help one stay on track with the changes, but no one can be there every waking moment (and then of course, there are the sleeping moments where you are in a different timespace). I don't know a good answer to this. I think support from others that understand (multiple/plural individuals) can be helpful (via the Internet, usually) but then also finding someone who can be your "rock" and sounding board - just someone you can vent to, and perhaps someone non-judgemental who you can be accountable to as far as tracking the changes you want to make; maybe this could be a therapist, or coach, or friend.
Dieing without having a chance to live. Well that is an interesting concept, too. I have been through death and life...well....I believe most if not all of us have at this point, although most do not remember past or parallel lives as acutely as I do....but I think what this person is talking about is "living" rather than "life." That is, reaching some level of self-efficacy, making a difference rather than going thru the motions. I would say: Be patient & keep working on yourself. There are times when we seem to not be "living" and merely existing but on some level we are living and this is setting the stage for a change. This person sounds depressed, maybe as a result of things breaking down inside. I'd go as far as to say that depression is a non-medication-related side affect of DID/MPD. The cure I believe in is a cocktail of patience, forgiveness, self-discipline, mindfulness and self care (don't deny yourself fun). AND it helps a lot if it is taken with extra-strength Inspiration. What and/or who inspires you? Give yourself an extra dose of that and that will be the motivation that keeps you on track.
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10:12 am
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Times are Changing, and more rapidly
So they say....change is inevitable. If you just sit there like a log...the world will change around you, and the world will also change you. You will weather and age like wood. Your surface is vulnerable and someone may decide to chip it away....paint graffiti on it...carve their name in it...
Most of us have noticed that the world has become a little more chaotic lately. The weather is crazier. The economy is a mess. So how do we weather this storm?
I think this chaos is just part of the process of a global change. Some will give up and succumb to the storm and let them tear them up...some might start heading the wrong direction to get out. Others will soldier thru it. Others will help guide the storm.
The hardest part for us is keeping our vision of what we want and not getting dragged down by the powerful emotions, and the chaos of the world outside. It's really uncomfortable to watch the news and when I do, I feel numb, not wanting to engage in the loss that I see. While that in itself is a defense mechanism, I'm afraid the numbness will lead to apathy. I don't think that's what the world needs right now.
For me I know it is time to build a deeper spiritual practice. While I've always been a spiritual person, my 'always running somewhere' style of living doesn't give me the emotional stability I need to weather the chaotic times. So, I'm looking to ritual (of my own choosing) to ground myself daily. Having a time to let go of emotions can clear the body/mind and allow us to continue to experience emotion without putting us over the edge or suppress it with dissociation, drugs or something else.
I'm very interested about a book called "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn - this is a book ultimately about mindful living, which I think is key for living a life of higher vibrational energy. I think we must tune in to ourselves in order to cope with the issues of the world...our inherent wisdom will help us weather the storms, IF we listen to it.
I look to the fall of 2008 to be a stepping stone, a turning point to tuning in to that higher vibration. Change is not so scary when you look at it with anticipation, with excitement.
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10:03 pm
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Cinco de Mayo
Well how about that, I haven't written in here for over half a year. How time sure flies...
So it's a party night but I'm not partying. Instead we're dealing with some pain tonight. Physical pain. So many years of emotional pain can break down the body. So many people deal with chronic pain & don't realize where it comes from. And so many of the stressors from the past can stick with you, and build up in the tissues & ligaments & cells & cause a number of medical conditions.
One of us came across this web site, and how ironically dead-on it has been so far in its predictions:
http://thepowerpath.com/monthly-forecasts/may-forecast-2008.html
The theme for this month is that one must "lose the mind."
Just when you thought you were safe...you were healed...you have "cured" your mental disorder, now you're being told to "lose your mind?" What's up with that?
Well it's actually a concept I've embraced for most of my life. We as humans really feel the need to control things. Control how we act, control what we say, but most strangely, we think we can control others. Even more strangely...we prefer to control what's around us than to control what's within.
Because doing so means listening. Not like listening to the TV...but listening from within. That's harder than it sounds.
And to be honest....we need to realize we cannot control that which is not within our locus of control. We cannot control other people...only hope to influence them with our own actions.
And giving up control seems like giving up everything. You feel like you are losing your mind. Yet, letting life come at you and not trying to control it is exactly what we all have to do. Especially in these crazy times where artificial technology is beginning to compete with the human race.
BTW I revisited Astraea's web recently. While I embraced Astraea's MPD/DID website early on as a site that specifically addresses MPD/DID as NOT being a disorder, I hadn't been back in a long time, and I've noticed it has been updated, and has a great FAQ section. If you haven't seen it, it's worth a read....it (especially the FAQ) really summarizes my feelings well:
http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/
So anyway, if we all "lost our minds" and weren't so concerned about "acting normal" (that is, in a socially & culturally appropriate manner) maybe my dream that mental illness would not exist, would really come true!
Until then, dream big, dream on, and don't be afraid to lose your mind.
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